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“Now here’s a good one: you’re lying on your deathbed. You have one hour to live. Who is it, exactly, you have needed all these years to forgive?”
― Louise Penny, A Fatal Grace“I’d held on to that hurt, coddled it fed it grew it. Until it had all but consumed me. But finally I wanted something even more than I wanted my pain.”
― Louise Penny, A Trick of the Light**Spoiler Alert** for A Trick of the Light
Here is another brilliant quote, not by Louise, but by our very own Jane Baechle, written as a comment in one of our discussions this past summer on insights into human nature highlighted in the books.
“Late in the investigation, Armand approaches Olivier with questions about the planning of the party for Clara. He uses this opportunity to apologize again to Olivier for his arrest and eventual conviction for murder. Olivier, still unable to forgive Armand, suggests this is Armand’s prison. As he leaves, Armand suggests that they share the same prison cell and wonders who holds the key. For me, this captures two human traits. The first is that we create and are responsible for our view of our lives and experiences. We are also the ones who hold the key to and control over changing those. The hard part is taking the risk to change or leave where we are.”Do you forgive and forget easily?
Do you hold onto memories of past events as lessons?
Do you think people change and when do you give them a second chance?
How many chances will you grant someone, a second, third, fourth, etc?
When do you decide to forgive and when do you decide that life is too short to allow toxicity to affect peace?
Does forgiveness allow toxicity to continue to impact you, or does forgiveness release you of that poison? -
Thank you, I had forgotten about this discussion but your questions resonate and I want to think about them. The subject of forgiveness has another dimension that I recently began to consider. I will attach a link to a meditation from Richard Rohr. I ran across this a couple weeks ago; I read these sporadically but this one I have saved and been rereading. (By way of background if unfamiliar with his writings, Richard Rohr is a Franciscan priest and founder of the Center for Action and Contemplation located in the south valley of Albuquerque. His faculty come from many faith traditions, both Christian and not.) Usually when I think about forgiveness, it is either in the context of asking for it or granting it. Now I am challenged to think about accepting it as well. https://cac.org/daily-meditations/receiving-gods-mercy/
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I think we forgive so we can become transformed, to move on from fear, anger and bitterness into peace and joy and hope. For me, in order for this to happen, I can’t pick and choose who I forgive. It’s a mindset of forgiving all, regardless of the pain and hurt, or else it just doesn’t work for my own ability to transform and love fully. That doesn’t mean we have to forget what happened, it means we stop allowing the trauma and hurt from continuing to wound us in ways that prevent our own personal growth and transcendent story. Forgiveness is truly the way to escape darkness.
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If we reverse the Who of the forgiveness then we may enter closer into the sober world of Penny. In the 12 steps of AA a lot of recovery is devoted to resentments, exploring the addict’s resentments, listing them, reflecting honestly what the addict’s part is and why there is the resentment, and making amends to people the addict has harmed.
This is a subtle theme underlying much of the character of the characters. Armand makes amends to Olivier while suggesting, rightly or wrongly, that there are amends Olivier may need to make for his greed.
Anyway, I’ve thought this theme is playing out in MOC for Jean Guy, and WOC for Armand and Rene Marie. At the conclusion Armand is not ready to forgive nor examine his part in the trajectory of Fiona’s (is this the correct name?). She, who was welcomed into their house but never their home. However when Rene Marie comes out of the prison visit my belief is that she is making amends as well as forgiving. Hence that perfect response to Armand, “I think you know.” So so so many personal reactions to this from our thoughtful college of readers. -
The road to forgiveness for me is paved with healthy conversations. Why did you do or say what you did that ended up hurting me or someone I love. Did I misunderstand your actions or did you misunderstand mine? What are the odds this will happen again? Can we come to some kind of mutual agreement? Most likely I will forgive but I may not forget what this person is capable of. I do have a line that once crossed there’s no going back for me. This is particularly true if someone I love has been wronged.
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I forgive almost immediately, most of the time. It really depends what the situation is. I’ve forgiven but not forgotten in a few instances….and find myself wondering if that means I really haven’t forgiven at all.
I have one situation with an employer where I believe I’ve forgiven her (having realized after many years that it was I who created the situation…should have kept my mouth shut), but if I ruminate for too long on the events as they unfolded, I can go back to that dark, bitter place. So I don’t. -
For me personally, I have forgiven deep hurts after an apology, an explanation, and an expression of regret. I have also learned that sometimes those three things do not result in a change in a person’s character and that future actions do not seem to reflect any past expressions of regret. I also have a difficult time forgiving if there is no apology or acknowledgement of harmful behaviour.
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